The Kind Of Friend I Need

If I'm hanging a tent

Halfway up on El Capitan

And need a man to hammer that nail

I tell you, you would not be that man

Well, if I get in a fight

Somewhere in the city one night

Instead of asking you to step in

With all respect, I possibly might

Ask the big bloke stood to your right

Lucky is the guy in life who has got

Another guy in his life who can spot

All of the amazing things that's he's not

God, how lucky is that guy?

Says you look a wreck, makes fun of your hair

But half-two in the morning when you're both worse for wear

Gives a look back just to check you're still there

Insult me and offend me

That's the kind of friend that I need

That's the kind of friend that I need

Well, when I've written a song (Oh, you write songs, do you? You didn't mention it)

Laid my heart and soul really bare (At the piano, is it?)

It's great to know I've got someone there like you

To say they think they've heard it before

Well, when I'm holding the floor (Oh, here we go)

With another great anecdote (Oh yeah, 'bout your movie star friends?)

It's great to see you show your support

By looking at your watch with a yawn

And then gesture cutting your throat

Lucky is the guy in life who has got

Another guy in his life who can spot

The entertaining superstar that he is not

God, how lucky is that guy?

Always criticizes the way that you drive

But is alive to the way that you feel

And if your head's in your hands, takes over the wheel

Defend me and upend me

That's the kind of friend that I need

That's the kinda of friend that I need

A friend like a shot would not dream of telling people

What happened in that bar in Berlin (Hmm, good)

Just wouldn't dream of it

And like that, he wouldn't choose to mention that tattoo (That's so true)

No one knew (He just simply would not do)

See? Right then, I chose not to

Oh lucky is the guy who finds (Oh lucky guy)

He's suddenly not singing the top line

But oh how he climbs (All the things that he's not)

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah (Oh, that's enough of that)

Takes apart your songs

Dismembers your jokes

Puts you back on the bike

Picks dirt from your knee

Knowing he's the one who threw the stick through your spokes

Brings you down to Earth

Argue like brothers

But a compliment from him is worth a thousand from others

Deflate my sails

Puncture my bubble

Never say you love me or you know we're in trouble

A friend that's not too kind to me

That's the kind of friend that I need, oh

I was the best in that song

So was I

It's my album, you know